Life can already be busy enough making sure your child gets through all of the tasks he or she needs each day. The last thing you need is your child refusing to follow directions. Here are some proactive and reactive strategies for when you need help with defiance.
Preventative Strategies for Defiance
When asking your child to complete a task, make sure you are crystal clear with the directions. For example, if you ask your child to clean their room, your child may go pick up their clothes off of the floor and then say they are all done. When you go to check the room you say, “Your room is not clean.” This may cause an argument/conflict. To your child, a clean room means there are no clothes on the ground. To you, a clean room is a made bed, clothes folded and put away, and a clean desk. Clearly state your expectations to leave no room for confusion and make success more achievable for your child.
Sometimes, your child may get overwhelmed and become defiant if they have numerous tasks to complete. Giving them the option to choose what tasks they need to complete each day may make them more compliant and successful. For example, give your child the option of making the bed or cleaning the clothes off the ground. Another example is giving your child the option of which homework assignment they would like to complete first.
I know many teachers who use this tip when working with students who refuse to do their work. For example, they might give a student a math worksheet of 20 problems and ask them to complete 15. Another way to use this tip is asking them to work on one problem or one part of the task and then increasing the number of problems/parts of the task over time. Following strategies like this may feel like you are giving in to them, but in the end they are still completing part of the task, as opposed to refusing to address it at all.
Many children are motivated by rewards. When stating your expectations, ask them what they would like to earn after they complete the task or give them options of what they can earn. You want to make sure you do this while stating the expectations. If you do not, and your child engages in defiant behavior and you then offer the reward, it becomes a bribe. Bribes are dangerous for growth because they teach children that if they refuse to do something at first, they will eventually get something extra. We want them to learn that they get a reward by complying with the task. For example, “What do you want to earn when you complete your chores? You can get 15 minutes on the iPad or a candy bar.” Make sure the rewards are activities or items that your child enjoys and will motivate them. If earning a reward is not enough, you can also present the consequences of what will happen if they refuse to do the task.
Reactive Strategies for Defiance
After the child decides what they want to earn, they still may not complete the task. Their behavior shows that the reward may not be motivating enough for them. You can offer new choices or remind them what they are earning if they complete the task.
When your child is engaging in defiant behaviors you want to stay calm. Use a neutral tone when you speak to them and make sure your facial expressions stay neutral, too.
Stay Consistent and Follow Through on Expectations
If you offer your child a reward after they complete a task, make sure you give it to them immediately. If you do not, your child may not be motivated by rewards because they will become skeptical. Additionally, you can’t give them the reward at a later time if they do not complete the task.
Deliver Verbal Praise for Appropriate Behaviors
When your child is being compliant instead of showing defiance, please deliver verbal praise!
NSPT offers services in Bucktown, Evanston, Highland Park, Lincolnwood, Glenview, Lake Bluff, Des Plaines, Hinsdale and Milwaukee! If you have questions or concerns about your child, we would love to help! Give us a call at (877) 486-4140.